Scared for a reason!

yeah, I kept my promise to Akki, She has already recieved 2 mails from her mom.. and more to come.

Last week I learnt a valuable lesson. We usually give home made raagi porridge as breakfast for Akki. the flour got over and we went to the market and got a flour which claimed to be consisting of similar ingredients that we used and made hygienically. It was called "Health Mix". We foolishly fell for it and got a small pack to try. All the while the only thing on my mind was, if Akki would like the taste. She liked it and so did I! We fed her the same next day too. What we overlooked was she didn't poop the previous day. Story repeated the next day too. And by third day we started getting worried as she was growing cranky and not eating well. We somehow got her to poop, which was again a hard sight! The hardest stool she had ever passed, crying out of pain,all sweat.. I can never ever forget what pain she had been through! The guilt that I went through when it stuck to me that the breakfast powder had been the culprit, cannot be put in words. She suffered coz of one foolish decision of ours. She developed high fever, stomach indigestion, cough and suffered through the following week which only added more to my guilt. She was suffering and I was watching her suffer helplessly.. torture!

The lil ones are here in this world because of us, so small, so innocent, so pure! They learn everything from us, to talk, to walk, to smile, to cry, to play, to enjoy... they are a reflection of our upbringing. Our small mistake can effect them so much! Its our responsibility to protect them.. give them a good life by giving a good upbringing.

Today I am what my parents moulded me to be, and am really proud of the way they brought me up. I can say that they life I lead, is a gift they gave me. I do not want to believe in destiny. I attribute everything to them, my success, failure, happiness, everything.

I want my daughter to have the best life, I want her to be independent, self confident, generous, kind, helpful and an affectionate human being. She might have inherited some qualities by birth, but the above are the ones that we can inculcate in her. I know its a maor task at hand and I don't even know if I will be fulfill that dream. I need to be a good mother first, which means there is no scope for mistake, not even 1 percent. Scary!

P.S:I might keep going back to remember how my parents brought me up! Copy paste can be applied here also ;)

I wish...

Sometimes I wish I knew a lot more about me, I know about my childhood is only as much as my mom remembers. It really feels good to know how my mom felt when she first saw me, when she first took me in her arms.. what i did when.. my milestones..
I promise to give this gift to my daughter!
Akki, I promise to give you the pleasure of reading your childhood.. a gift that you n I would cherish forever.

Merry christmas!

Life's good and a yummy moist spongy christmas cake has made it more merrier :)
My neighbour is celebrating christmas and I joined her in just the cake part of it.
Yet to plan for the new year party! looking for ideasssssss.. post some!

Cooking is the new in thing!

Cooking is my new found interest. I have actually started enjoying the experiments. Yes, you heard me right and am perfectly alright. I still find the everyday cooking very very boring but am anytime on for a new experiment. There are these daily cookery shows that come on tv 12 pm to 1 pm. There would be atleast 1 recipe in the shows worth trying.
The end result does matter. The happiness you get when your experiment is a super duper hit is worth all the trials and failures. It gives you a creative satisfaction :)
I still can't forget the excitement when i tried making rasgollas. It came out exactly the way they showed it on the video.. all soft, puffed up and super yummy!
Yeah, am not sure second time I try the result is going to be the same so there is no fun in repeating experiments ;)

Am Back!

Am back on my blog page after a lil more than 2 month break. It really feels good to be back, coz all it means is that am in control of my current frame of mind :) A state that I love to be in!
Last 2 months have been a roller coaster ride, happy sad frustrated elated decided confused celebrated humiliated.. everything that life could offer, it did. Am glad I went through all that, coz today I think after all that, I am a better person today. I grew as a person(quite literally too!). And am only hoping I remember my lessons learnt for life !
Lets get started again...

The timing...

After a long lazy saturday and enough of stink, I finally decided to take a shower. The hot water suddenly felt too tempting to resist. I am all set to go and I turn on the shower knob only to hear an empty pipe trying to blurt out last few drops of water!

After a long break from my exercise routine, one fine day I get super motivated and decide to break that break. I keep an alarm for early next morning, wake up and take that wii fit board and switch on the tv, take the body test and got shocked when it showed the upward graph of my weight and bmi. I get super motivated again to do rigorous exercise and suddenly the message on TV, batteries of the wii fit board are empty. I need to recharge them. I keep sulking the rest of the day for waking up early for nothing and also not being able to do anything about the upward graph. What the hell!

Am running late to office and I have only 3 more minutes before the meeting begins. This ones going to be the last signal before I reach office, and I see the light green, I speed up and am almost there when the light turned red. I tried to somehow feign ignorance and pass through the signal but the hefty traffic police blows the whistle and I freeze. meeting began while i stood frozen at signal for the next 3 minutes. Shooooooooot

One day, I decided to have gulab jamun in the office cafeteria and was cutting out on the calories from morning. Oats for breakfast with honey (no sugar), Soup, salad and roti with daal for lunch. After having all that, I was craving to eat that gulab jamun even more. Tick snacks time and I went slurrping to cafe, only to find that there were no gulab jamuns made that day. Grrr..

Akshara slept in time and i wanted to catch the repeat episode of my tele soap I missed the day before. I switch on the TV to find that the cable wasnt working. I call up the customer care and they say some repair, and its going to take time. I kill time by readin paper, checking mails again and again and by the time Akshara woke up, cable also got repaired. Phew..

Whom to blame? Why only me? are just some of the many questions that go round and round in me!

Dillemma of a working mom- Part 2

Am completely in awe of people who know what their priorities in life are and stick to them no matter what and work towards their priorities. I don't care what their priorities are and why!

I realised how messed up I am with regards my priorities in life. I want everything which I know is impossible and ending up being in a confused state constantly.

I decided I am going to be a stay at home mom for an year or more and give my baby all the time she needs. I couldn't stick to this one. The idea of quitting the job didn't go very well with me. I looked for work from home opportunities, thought of all other possible ideas to keep me working at home, but nothing materialised.
Finally, I ended up getting a part time job, 5 hours at office and all other time with my baby. It seemed like the perfect thing to happen. My family came over to support me , to look after my baby while I was at work. Everything seemed to be perfectly in place till I actually started working.
I try giving my 100% at work, but I have only 50% time.
I do suffer from guilt for joining back to work everyday, when my baby cries when I leave for work.
I keep thinking about her, if she has eaten well, if she has slept well, may be she needs me now, inspite of the assurance that I have left her in safe hands. The thought that she needs me and am not there keeps coming back.

My career also isn't going great , coz no matter how much effort I put in, am only putting in 5 hrs in office compared to others who are putting in 10!
What seemed to be a perfect deal, now seems to be the most loser deal! You seriously cant get everything! You need to let go!
I have friends who are working full time and are literally not seeing their babies all weekdays. They are happy coz they are doing good at work and are ok spending only weekends with their babies.
I have friends who have quit their job and are happy dedicated moms to their lil ones.
Am neither there, nor her and am not happy.

Dedicate this post to My sister Swapna , Gunjan, Pavana, Raksha, Vijaya and harsha.